Do I dare say it out loud?

......pssss, come over here and I'll whisper it to you........

I think I may have my georgeous little boy back.....

He had run out of his prescription for Singulair over the weekend, and we had been toying with the idea of weaning him off it due to many complications, some of which include, hysterical tantrums out of the blue, night terrors, puffy face, hallucinations and did I mention hysterical random tantrums???  where we all end up losers? 

Anyway, at some point the King and I agreed that it would be better for his self esteem and the family in general to have him off these tablets and watch his asthma for a while to see if he has improved enough to need treatment only as it presents.  He has been on something or rather since he was 3 months old, and frankly I am worried what this will mean for his health long term.   The Dr. poo pooed my concerns based on research prior to him going on it, and agreed maybe we should do a trial weaning after hearing the issues, however this was just before we left to go to Vietnam and as he said, timing was pretty bad.  We refilled that prescription and have just run out now.

I was so paranoid the first night, waiting for terrible reactions, asthma flare up and barking in the wee hours, feeling sick and more hysterical tantrums.  NOPE, all I have seen ( and this is the end of the dreaded 'day 3' as advised by the pharmacist) is my beautiful boy who has been on so many steroids and chemicals I have only seen snatches of him so far in his first 5 years.  Enough to know he is charismatic and charming but also prone to impulsive and wild 'behaviours'.  He has not displayed any.....at all, in fact he has been singing, 'I'm a singaLET, I'm a singalet', complete with Beyonce booty dance and has been giggling so much, I'd never heard him laugh so much its beautiful.  I have had more than my fair share ( but who's complaining) of impulsive HUGS, not slaps...HUGS today and the only time I had to reprimand him today was because when we were shopping, he was playing with his sister TOO MUCH....


Sissy does not know how to take him, she normally has to resort to having her own tantrum to be heard and though he was nice all day, she is understandably a bit wary when he runs over to throw his arms around her for a cuddle...normally he would probably have knocked her flying for a piece of Lego or similar.


No complaints from Spidey about 'aching legs' or headaches today, no troubles getting off to sleep either since Friday night, no puffy face like he is having a reaction to some allergen, no night terrors, no hysterical tantrums, no nasty behaviours, not hyped and impulsive at all really.  He seems to have more energy and be thinking clearly, eg he asked me on Friday night for his 'doggy with the thingy on his head'....tonight he asked for his 'black doggy with the sad eyes, the one with antlers' (xmas toy)...its like he can articulate ideas better.  In the last few days he has also been using emotive words to describe how he feels instead of flaring up.  I am amazed.

I will write a small disclaimer though, while this treatment has not come without its failings, Asthma is a very serious illness and one that prior to its use, had him based on long term steroid treatment which has very real side effects of its own and was not as reliable in preventing attacks, resulting in many hospital visits and many many nights stuck in a steamy bathroom and on a ventilator....and behavioral issues as a side effect aswell. 

However.....so far, we have a happy healthy child,  and a happy  HOUSEhold...WIN WIN.

I will keep you all posted!

x

Picasso dreams and crushed heart

I have been feeling so great and upbeat, and like the universe is kind of 'helping' us lately. Like past wrongs are being 'righted' of this makes sense. Like we are finally on an upwards spiral, crawling through the forrest towards the light, but without the heaviness. But, and I have been scared it was going to happen again, I am suddenly feeling like I am going to crash, and it is all going to fall apart.


I have just woken up with a horrible nightmare, so disjointed it is like a picasso painting, about the sexualisation of my daughter, which is my biggest fear to face. I have tears streaming down my face and am trying to stay in control of my heart which is pounding, and in control of my overwhelming emotions. I am not sure which of these is the trigger though I know I have faced 2 huge battles yesterday.

My beautiful DD8 was invited for a sleepover and has finally allowed herself to become friends with a girl, which sounds silly but she has toughened herself up so much this vulnerability is such a huge hurdle for her and shows me that she is moving forward and I am SO SO SO PROUD of her, I kept remindiing myself that the family is lovely, reminded her that she can call me ANYTIME, middle of the night, whenever, FOREVER. She was so blissfully happy she didnt seem to have a worry....except for a blow out in attitude JUST prior to leaving, which is what she does when she cant express herself. I didnt read it then though.

What I wouldnt admit to myself is that it was me with the issue. I have tried to be so brave against my grain to trust in another person to look after my baby. I kept myself VERY busy last night packing and going down memory lane with old letters and photos from happy times in my yesteryears. I went to bed late with a heaviness I didnt understand, but I did sleep. I just woke very early with that familiar crush, and tears streaming from my face. I dont want to tell DH how I feel, as it feels so unfair to her. I WANT to be so happy for her but until I see her smiling face again I wont be sure she is ok. I sound so stupid! I also dont want her to see how worried I am, to give her the guilts and I want to tell her how brave she is and how proud i am without making a huge deal about it. *deep breath*


I also had an old friend over for a coffee with her kids yesterday and told her ( its the first person in a very old group of friends we have shrunk away from) about why we have been so 'unavailable' the last few years. She was great, my biggest fears was that if I shared and received my much needed support from friends that they would treat my us differently, that I was betraying Missy's confidence, and while I trust this friend, I still feel this way deep down. Like I shouldnt have said anything, but I felt I needed to explain, and this is bothering me, I wish I could take those words back. I know she understands so why do I feel this way.


Why is it so black and white, if I ask for help I am letting Missy down? Is this a real thing or a barrier I have made up to let myself continue to suffer. The reason I am being open, or so I thought, is that counselling has let me believe that it was NOT MY FAULT, and I do know this but dont always FEEL this still, But I do feel less angry and more able to accept and handle situations as they arise.



But right now....I feel sick to the stomach and shaky, and let down. Am I going to have a panic attack everytime I have to do something out of my comfort zone now? This doesnt resonate with the strong, outgoing, funloving person that I KNOW I am at my core. Reading the letters last night reminded me of what I (used to)give to other people, and who I am.



I do not have time for this, I have soooo much to do, and I have been trying to ignore how I feel about all of this as I want this move to be about a fresh start, not running away iykwim. I cant move aound here without memory trigger and on my strong days I can ignore them and I can see how grief fades with time, but it is still crippling me deep down. I feel the need to see my counsellor again, a thought which randomly popped into my head yesterday and at the time wasnt sure why (derrrr) but I cannot as I dont have time now, and will have to try to find someone down there as soon as the kids go back to school.


Just like a powerful metaphor, I have been sitting here comforted by the deep blanket of dark but the sun has just started to penetrate through the slits in the curtains and is making me feel a little more confident that I CAN do this, and believe in myself enough to get through this day. 
 
DS5 has also just woken up and came and sat on my lap and nuzzled my neck. I told him I had a bad, scary dream and he just said 'Its alright, I'm here Mum'. And also told me he heard me screaming in the night. I am going to go and snuggle on the couch for a while with my handsome prince. x

This moving caper is a long slog....

Packing, packing and more packing, its more fun with red wine and you get a surprise at the end of it...surprise if you packed anything at all, and a surprise (whats in the box) at the other end!

I'm hoping for the best ;)

definitely less stressful tonight! took ages packing the photo box *awwwww, kids look at Old Lady when she was 6 weeks old*....... and so on......its nice to remember the great times.

My humble Kitchen.......

Oh God, dont you hate that?  I just wrote a wonderful piece about our kitchen...written in response to a lady from SS's ( what a mouthful lol) dilemma on decorating on a budget....and then a lightning strike and *flash* my Pulitzer prize piece is gone!  I will attempt to salvage from my memory what I was trying to say.

When we bought this house it was cold and uninviting, and the kitchen had no space to move, with only 3 bench height cupboards, I was tired of living in a cluttered messy environment.   Dad and I went to Bunnings intending to buy the makings of a shelf, however even that was getting costly.....until we walked through the gardening section and these wire baskets caught my eye.  I love the spanish/county style kitchen look so this suited me perfectly and has offered a place to store my jars, baking ware, saucepan lids and a with a lick of paint has transformed our kitchen into a warm happy space where I love to 'create' for my family and it also gave our living area a lovely warm feel with that delicious chilli red.   All up with paint it was $60, however had I known what I wanted I am sure I could have salvaged them for a fraction of the cost.

This was intended as an interim solution until we 'renovated' however I am still waiting lol, and looks like it wont happen as we are moving now, but I have enjoyed playing in this happy kitchen.

Infact I am off to play now, with a nice glass of Merlot to get my creative juices flowing  : )

On the menu tonight.......... Yummy Moroccan Vege Curry, in line with my recent 'pledge to go veg'.

The King and I.....

Today we mark our 12 year anniversary.   A long windy road led us up this path, through fields of dandelions, over mountain passes, through dark and sometimes scary forrests and occaisionally left us up the creek with out a paddle.  But we have learned to move with the current, instead of making waves.  We both pay attention these days to the small ripples, and try to let them pass to enjoy the moment.  

I remember the day I met him, he took my breath away, and I refused to look at him so he wouldn't be able to see my yearning, having fallen prey to his charms.....and despite our tough times, I want to be boring my kids and anyone who'll listen, with our story for many years to come. 

I love him.  There, I've said it, out loud. I was bought up a feminist, but one thing my Mother and all of my hairy legged Aunties ( god love =em) forgot to mention, is that its OKAY to give in to love, to yield OCCAISIONALLY.  I have come up with this wisdom all on my own, though I must admit, it doesn't come naturally.  I am WOMAN hear me ROAR!  But also let me snuggle......

All of this and the King discovered 'wifeaway' techniques and has perfected them over the years.  For his own safety he learned never to actually SAY, 'Yes dear'.

Long Live the King xx

Housekeeping 101

Tip # 874

If it smells nice, you're halfway there....


and even better if you can get the kids to do this for you!

I just filled a spray bottle with an inch of water and a few drops of essential oil ( we're using ylang ylang and mandarin oil) and let DS5 go crazy on the mister.

Now, I can happily wait for the cleaning fairy on Monday.  Or my latin houseboy....whoever turns up first ;)

Pool Party

Not much to say today (hold on Nelly I am telling the jokes around here...) except that I am slopping around in my PJ's in a post nightduty 'hangover' just enjoying the cool afternoon rain and thunderstorms, and watching as the park in the laneway behind our house turns into a river complete with waterfalls, almost worthy of a safari doc. 

The frogs are also enjoying the post rain puddles,  different pitches of the local boys can be heard, infact not much else CAN be heard, while they arrange their pool party for later when we all go to sleep.

My son is drifting off to sleep in their chorus, after complaining about the 'noisy fwogs', he enjoyed hearing of the possibility of a frog party right outside his room.....I think he is waiting for an invite....and picturing beautiful fat lime green frogs in teensy polkadotted lycra swimsuits bobbing around the spa in tiny float rings holding teensy little cups of soft drinks....okay maybe I helped with that idea ;)

When Miss8 was little and we first moved here, she was terrified of the raucus frogs, who sound like they are moving on in, so we told her they have a tea party every night, and it was an unrealised plan of mine to find a teeny dolls teaset and leave them strewn around the palm trees for her to find in the morning....... on second thoughts, maybe there's still time.

Enjoy your weekend!

x

It's the little things that count.

After a week of cyclonic stormy rainy weather, and being jammed pack into our small house( ...ever decreasing in size or so it seems)we are all at our wits end.  And before I tell you the story of what we did to amuse ourselves today I will admit it all started with my BRILLIANT idea to turn the TV off, as I was sick of watching the kids eyes stuck to the screen of trashy ABC kids spy shows. 

I forgot a back up plan though...and  yes it degenerated into a tatrums and tears, at least some of which were mine.  I got most upset when the kids wouldn't cooperate in a game of Simple Simon outside under the verandah, a game of thinly veiled exercise to wear them out.  THERE, I've said it, I GOT UPSET.  I ranted and raved.  I got frustrated at the weather.  I did the dishes in my crankiness, secretly enjoying the way I could SPLONK another plate or cup itno the water with each mini mood swing.  BUT there was no end in sight, no rainbow at the end of the storm to look forward to.  Forecast at El Rancho Ryan, more rain and squally storms at least until after the weekend.  CRAP.  No chance to hang up the referee's whistle just yet.

Then it hit me like, *ahem* pardon the pun, a lightning bolt over my second lukewarm coffee.  We live in the tropics.  It is hardly cold.  We run with gay, (post embarresing) abandon in the first big storm, despite living next to apparently extremely mature neighbours.  So, why not work with it?

We saddled up the Old Lady, and grabbed a bottle of water, donned our workboots ( thongs) and took off for the local park while it had subsided to spitting.  We played games walking around the lake, counting the ducks, sticking out tongues out to catch the rain, challenging each other to try walking backwards, sideways, hopping, and then the clouds really rolled over and the sky split open in earnest.  Oh well, it was beautiful, refreshing and hilarious watching the kids roll (or rather slide) down the grassy hills. 

We all laughed out loud trying the different play equipment.....with surprisingly few injuries....

.......then we stopped at the bakery on the way home to cheat and get treats for lunch.

Parked the car, opened the door, kids piled out.  And as if they had just reentered the vortex of bitchiness, they started at it again.     *SIGH*  

So, I will hold on to my fleeting memory of the raindrops on my tongue and sticky wet hands in mine....and ignore the rest.

x

What to do .....what to do......what to do.....

...what to do.  That is the question.  Less than a month before DH is to drive out and we haven't decided whether to sell up or rent out our first house.  I have lists of 'pro's and con's' strewn around the house.  One minute I want to sell, then the next I want to hold onto this place.  But not for the reasons everybody is 'advising'....I KNOW financially it is a good long term investment....I KNOW it will continue to increase in value.  I KNOW the King and I could keep this as our retirement nest egg.....bla bla bla.  BUT  the reasons I am considering it are more for sentimental reasons.  This has been our family 'nest' for nigh on 5 years.  Our refuge, the place where we grew together.  The place of many milestones.  It is the place where my monkey learned to ride a bike.  It is the place where my daughter looked at me with 'melt your heart love' when she got her pet kitten.  It is the first step in our journey of home ownership of security for the King and I that we were so desperately craving.  It has many late night scribbles of plans and dreams etched into my memory.  It is the place of many family gatherings, of laughter and love.


It is also a place of stark reminders of a not so happy past.  Of a daughter so crushed it crushed the wind out of me to look at her.  Of having to work ourselves to the bone to try and meet the rising cost of living up here, of loneliness due to perhaps too high expectations of support from the friends we came here to be with. .....and on reflection  many couldn't handle what we needed of them, sad but understandable.  Of tension between the King and I while we worked through our own private hell with our little Missy.   Of many tears and struggles just to keep our heads above water.  Of many many nights thinking DS5 would be drawing his last breath as his asthma flared up and and threatened to peel him from his mothers' arms.

But we are stronger now, all of us, and this nest has ingrained itself into our lives with its unwavering offering of a place to hide, a shelter from the world when we needed it.  But we are ready to shake off these bad memories and start a new chapter in our lives.  AND shape it to suit us.  To find the perfect spot for "El Rancho Ryan" the place of our dreams, and fill it with vivid techicolour memories of family, love and strength, the best of us.   A casa of hope, of simple living and laughter. 

I guess I just answered my question......I realise now it's time to let go, and move with the current.  For us, it was never a question about money. 

Thanks for listening

xx

We're having YOU CANT KILL IT VEGE SOUP for dinner. Hmmmmmm

......so as with most households with younguns plans change, and usually very quickly.  SO you get used to thinking on your feet. 

Well, it has been raining cats and dogs or more appropriately for  the Territory, FROGS, so our quick jaunt to the stupidmarket was postponed until well, until it was too late.  *SIGH* so much for my surprise for the King, but it wasn't about the bread anyway.....was it?  lol

Not wanting to spend too much and noticing my kids haven't been so keen to munch through a Monkey's share of fruit lately, and with inspiration from Huey this afternoon, we decided to make a vege soup for dinner.

After a 4.35am rise from bed and sneaked watching of cartoons until the rest of the house woke, Miss 8 has fallen asleep in her room after what felt like the 85th timeout for the day, again for hacking on her (admittedly somewhat annoying little turd at times) brother yet again.  SOooo faced with what to do with the boy after his Troy Bolton efforts at basketball got rained out yet again for the day I decided to enlist in his help for making the soup.  I chopped the veges; onions, garlic, carrots, spinach; and he stirred them in the pot until they were ready to add water.  He loved 'handpicking' the frozen peas and corn to add and poured in the lentils, red and brown.  Then he enjoyed, Ratatouille style, sprinkling different herbs and spices.  I gave him free reign ( except for the vanilla lol) as I figured you cant kill a good vege soup.  Turns out it is pretty nice, who knew tomato sauce and tumeric went well with italian herbs and cracked gourmet pepper?  Along with a Massel vege stock cube it is really yummy.  He now wants to add his 'piece de resistance' some spaghetti strands.  But ONLY 3, it is ( lol) apparently, all about presentation ;)

He did a great job and is now soaking his chef weary body in a lavendar infused bath (method to my madness mwa ha ha ha)  .......maybe there is hope for the King and I after all!

serving his 'Yummy you cant kill it' vege soup with baked Turkish bread and olive oil.....mmmmmm!

Rain Rain go away........7 days and counting and more to come!

All this rain spells B-O-R-E-D-O-M  for the squidlets on school holidays, and there is only so much braving the elements with expensive outings one can do.....

Sooooo after having to blow the whistle and hand out yellow cards all morning for those of us prone to wrestle when out of their minds, I had to come up with a plan. 

What better way to keep us all entertained (and finally motivate me to finally CLEAN the oven from the Kings late night pork crackle fetish over christmas..eewww) than a morning of baking......

Miss 8 made a banana cake in a square tin, I am emphasising this part as APPARENTLY it is very important, important enough to start a full scale blow out even....

Master 5 made his all time favourite, yes its in the genes people, a dark Chocolate cake, in a round tin!

They managed to actually listen to step by step instructions, with the ingredients set out for them to use as needed (something I learned from my cooking class in Saigon with Miss 8) and only 'tasted' a couple of times, they were both so keen to do a great job as a surprise for Daddy. 

Cakes are now cooling off on bench, and kids patience for icing them is waning, we'll see.  I will post pics of their masterpieces for you to drool collectively over later, come on by for a slice and a cuppa x

Keeping the magic alive.....

Sometimes, albeit not regularly enough, here at El Rancho Ryan, the King and I get to have a quiet night to ourselves and though it takes a bit of planning ahead to get the kids to bed so we arent interrupted by 100 ...'can I have a glass of water' type requests (.....to which I will answer, 'NO, swallow hard and look forward to your hot chocolate in morning'....being MOTHER OF THE YEAR and all is no mean feat) it is well worth the while.  We actually get to TALK.  I remember that among other things, we used to be best pals.  AND why.   I light the candles to signify the 'date', and the King usually pours a nice glass of wine for us to enjoy.  TV is turned off, and we picnic on a rug on the floor............

This is not as actually romantic as it sounds...stems from the days when we were first cohabiting, and all we HAD was a rug on the floor.  And while we are no moguls even now, we feel rich with such oppulence as a house full of furniture.  Admittedly it is getting harder and harder to get off the rug when we are ready to retire though.....

Tonight is an important night, for with all the stress of moving, I dont think we have actually LOOKED at each other, or talked about NOTHING for a few weeks now.  It is taking its toll.  We are getting snarky ( is this even a word?) when this is meant to be the opportunity for us all to change our lives to make time for the things that WE decided matter to us most. 

As a peace offering, I am making one of the King's favourite all time lip schmacking foods, the cob loaf dip.  He will love me for it and IT will be responsible for restoring our faith in each other and our way forward.  Not that I am putting a whole lot of emphasis on the food you understand, too much pressure for a loaf of bread you say?  You havent seen him devour this at parties, eyes rolling back in his head with pure (doesnt matter if I'm too tired) ecstasy. 

Thanks to fellow blogger Jade at Creative Family Living for this very timely shared recipe, you saved my bacon!


I am interested in how YOU keep the 'magic' alive......when you have other commitments which threaten its existence on a daily basis, please share ;)

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Margarita, I could SO go one of you right now!

BUT Merlot will make a nice substitute......

plus it feels sophisticated sipping on a glass of vino while I 'create' in the kitchen ( which is code for GOD I HOPE THIS TURNS OUT...and often have to make up a savvy new name for what was MEANT to be recognisable!)

I just have to say that School Holidays and LOTS OF DAMN RAIN have taken their toll today *sigh*

but....I'm feeling better already, just thinking about this lovely little glass ;)

When in Rome.....

Well, as we are nearing the end of our Northern  Territory sojourn, the King took the kids to Crocadylus park while I slept post night duty on Sunday....using our annual passes, which run out in 2 weeks and we hadnt used them since we bought them...GREAT value that!  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

The King bought a pack of Croc burgers to make a bbq dinner for tonight.  However this feeble and desperate attempt to reinstate some 'cool' factor, really didnt go according to plan.  Mini Steve Irwin was horrified and ended up eating only an egg and the Bookworm was adamant she wasn't going to eat them either, that is until she realised her hissy fit this afternoon and 8 year old expletives screeched through her door to us had ruined her chances of a special dinner she was vying for.  She was eating it with a funny screwed up expression, a mix of disgust and guilt, when she revealed they werent that bad.  She asked how much of a croc she'd eaten and I responded, 'about a toe' as she was dawdling and my patience was dwindling!  I obviously hadnt thought my answer through.....so that was the end of that meal, but no arguments to be had by any, off to bed without a peep!

On the upside, princess kitty and old lady pooch LOVED them ;)

I can hear my mum sniggering from here....

She arrived in NSW this morning, and we  have been issued a cyclone warning.  She who is a cyclophobe(word?) has incredible timing , I'll give her that! 
I'd hate to have to deal with a full blown cyclone, but truthfully cant get past my own preparation, will have to dust off some baked beans and hope the dust on the candles havent made them a fire hazard....imagine the clean up afterwards.....
It's bad enough to figure spending more than 3 minutes trapped in a bathroom with 2 sqaubbling kids, an old incontinent dog who forgets she is NOT a cat, trying to get onto your lap, a kitten with claustrophobia and a DH who will lets just say, NEED to be holding the matches.




'Brrrp" ...

dd8..."who was that'

dh.."the dog'

DS5...'move over'

DD8.." I cant...you move.....silence....THUMP'

DD5 SQUUUUUAAAAAAWWWWKK

DH. Brrrp brrp, stop that kids, or I'll put you outside....(currently undertaking negotiations with THE NANNY re punishments must fit the crime...)

DOG....leak leak

cat.....psssss......

me....rummage rummage, oh god did we pack the VALIUM???? slightly panicked rise to voice.
.
.
.

me....quietly and slowly...crack....twist twist.....slurp slurp

dh....what is that?

me...what? I dont hear anything HIC ....*snore*





so heres to it passing, or I will need therapy ;)...purely selfish I know, but I dont care if it hits and carries away my car or trashes my lounge, nothing takes away the 'mystery' from a marriage like being trapped together in a 2 foot by 3 foot room. WITH kids and dogs ;(

Ooh aaah eeek, cant walk, gardening injury...

I FINALLY tackled the weeding....I took on the entrance garden and lost.  I am covered in scratches and can hardly walk.....but it looks good, wish I'd done it sooner.  AND no sooner had I finished it that the monsoonal rains bucketed down, not sure if this was a blessing or curse as I had secretly been hoping my efforts would be 'rained out'.  I am working tonight at the old folks home, can just see me having to ask old Mrs 'Jones' to help ME up off the floor!

Memo to self, kneel dont squat, you arent 20-something anymore.....

And a little tip to anyone who cares to listen......if there are weeds around pineapple plants, they deserve to be a part of the landscape, and if you think otherwise, you will regret your decision......

Symphony of Frogs....

I love the rain, the mellow sounds, the fresh smell of rain coming, the distant rumble of thunder (not too close though or it will wake the kids up, upset old lady and frazzle kitty, and loud enough might even mean more washing....)

One of my night duty 'side effects' is that I find many a sleepless night when the rest of the house is blissfully asleep, but rather than see it as a curse, I have come to really appreciate the wee hours, as I have always been a 'night owl'.  It is only in the last few years of desperately trying to retrain myself  to match the 'school mums' that I have come undone, so it is settled, I remain a night owl.  Tonight I am sharing the inky blackness with silver droplets of rain, and a party of raucous frogs singing away.  I, blaming my crappy technology, will sadly admit to defeat in trying to capture the diamante drops as they fall from my verandah, my haven in the dark.  I did however spend several minutes absorbed in the blisfully childlike pursuit of my green pals.  I found them sitting on our table having a picnic, the bar, and even caught one next to the stereo.....wonder what tune he would have played.....

OMG...its happening at warp speed!

We had a lovely New Years Day brunch at the park with my beautiful cuzzy and her family of 'wrangers', it was a 'happysad' morning, full of laughter and great conversation, happy kids and of course the requisite clouds of midgies.......but nothing a bucket load of DEET didn't fix. 

Post night duty, I felt very reflective and enjoyed watching the dynamics of our family group, and this filled my heart with joy, a corny saying I realise, however I cant think of a better way to express how I am feeling lately.   I have finally crawled out of the hole I had started to sink in over the last few years....to find sunlight and love, and not emptiness and pain as I had been so very afraid of.  

Saying Good-Bye in the carpark was fleeting, as I will see them all again before I go, but was shackled with an underlying heaviness of finality.    It is my Mum's last morning in Darwin, she flies out to Coffs Harbour tonight, and though we are all close, it has been many years since our families have all lived so close together.

It is ironic that the very move which is offering my family a new fortune, is also responsible for breaking what I hold most dear to me here.  I have loved living so close to my cuzzy and her family, yet we have only relatively recently been able to catch up as often as I would have liked.

I am constantly being reminded of how lucky, or if not luck, how 'blessed' I am to have such wonderful family and friends in my life and despite being just a TAD over gen Y age, also grateful for this age of technology, where it is so easy to stay in touch.

We fly out in exactly 21 days....so enough of the sentimental jibber from me, it is time for some serious whip crackin'.   No time for second guessing or playing 'what if's'!   

Will add some photos of our lovely morning soon  x

Year of the Metal Tiger

Happy New Year!!  I wish you and yours a safe and happy New Year full of promise! 

I, like so many I have spoken to lately, am glad to be seeing the back of 2009, which proved, for my family at least, to be a year of angst and profound loss.......but on reflection, also a year of suprising hope which brought with it teachings of gratitude.

I have many hopes for the Year of the Metal Tiger, and yet few 'resolutions'.....for some reason this day, and this year is significant to me as a new start, an opportunity to shed the pain of  lost hopes and futile regrets which have been clouding my family.  It is a year for bravery, for changes, for facing adversity together and for once, winning.   For me, it is to be a year for a new mindset, for letting go of the past and focusing on family and relationships.  A year for rellishing in the simple things, for forgiveness, for gratitude, for expressing and allowing myself to feel the love I am so blessed to be surrounded with.   I can almost feel the changes in the wind and am ready to rise to the challenge.  For 2010, the Year of the White Metal Tiger, is the year I will remember to breathe again.