Picasso dreams and crushed heart

I have been feeling so great and upbeat, and like the universe is kind of 'helping' us lately. Like past wrongs are being 'righted' of this makes sense. Like we are finally on an upwards spiral, crawling through the forrest towards the light, but without the heaviness. But, and I have been scared it was going to happen again, I am suddenly feeling like I am going to crash, and it is all going to fall apart.


I have just woken up with a horrible nightmare, so disjointed it is like a picasso painting, about the sexualisation of my daughter, which is my biggest fear to face. I have tears streaming down my face and am trying to stay in control of my heart which is pounding, and in control of my overwhelming emotions. I am not sure which of these is the trigger though I know I have faced 2 huge battles yesterday.

My beautiful DD8 was invited for a sleepover and has finally allowed herself to become friends with a girl, which sounds silly but she has toughened herself up so much this vulnerability is such a huge hurdle for her and shows me that she is moving forward and I am SO SO SO PROUD of her, I kept remindiing myself that the family is lovely, reminded her that she can call me ANYTIME, middle of the night, whenever, FOREVER. She was so blissfully happy she didnt seem to have a worry....except for a blow out in attitude JUST prior to leaving, which is what she does when she cant express herself. I didnt read it then though.

What I wouldnt admit to myself is that it was me with the issue. I have tried to be so brave against my grain to trust in another person to look after my baby. I kept myself VERY busy last night packing and going down memory lane with old letters and photos from happy times in my yesteryears. I went to bed late with a heaviness I didnt understand, but I did sleep. I just woke very early with that familiar crush, and tears streaming from my face. I dont want to tell DH how I feel, as it feels so unfair to her. I WANT to be so happy for her but until I see her smiling face again I wont be sure she is ok. I sound so stupid! I also dont want her to see how worried I am, to give her the guilts and I want to tell her how brave she is and how proud i am without making a huge deal about it. *deep breath*


I also had an old friend over for a coffee with her kids yesterday and told her ( its the first person in a very old group of friends we have shrunk away from) about why we have been so 'unavailable' the last few years. She was great, my biggest fears was that if I shared and received my much needed support from friends that they would treat my us differently, that I was betraying Missy's confidence, and while I trust this friend, I still feel this way deep down. Like I shouldnt have said anything, but I felt I needed to explain, and this is bothering me, I wish I could take those words back. I know she understands so why do I feel this way.


Why is it so black and white, if I ask for help I am letting Missy down? Is this a real thing or a barrier I have made up to let myself continue to suffer. The reason I am being open, or so I thought, is that counselling has let me believe that it was NOT MY FAULT, and I do know this but dont always FEEL this still, But I do feel less angry and more able to accept and handle situations as they arise.



But right now....I feel sick to the stomach and shaky, and let down. Am I going to have a panic attack everytime I have to do something out of my comfort zone now? This doesnt resonate with the strong, outgoing, funloving person that I KNOW I am at my core. Reading the letters last night reminded me of what I (used to)give to other people, and who I am.



I do not have time for this, I have soooo much to do, and I have been trying to ignore how I feel about all of this as I want this move to be about a fresh start, not running away iykwim. I cant move aound here without memory trigger and on my strong days I can ignore them and I can see how grief fades with time, but it is still crippling me deep down. I feel the need to see my counsellor again, a thought which randomly popped into my head yesterday and at the time wasnt sure why (derrrr) but I cannot as I dont have time now, and will have to try to find someone down there as soon as the kids go back to school.


Just like a powerful metaphor, I have been sitting here comforted by the deep blanket of dark but the sun has just started to penetrate through the slits in the curtains and is making me feel a little more confident that I CAN do this, and believe in myself enough to get through this day. 
 
DS5 has also just woken up and came and sat on my lap and nuzzled my neck. I told him I had a bad, scary dream and he just said 'Its alright, I'm here Mum'. And also told me he heard me screaming in the night. I am going to go and snuggle on the couch for a while with my handsome prince. x